For heterosexual women, dating involves trusting, forming an attachment with, and sharing life with their oppressor.
I remember once talking to someone who was frustrated by his lack of dating app matches, while I was annoyed by unsolicited dick pics. We discussed how conventionally attractive women are treated like objects and conventionally unattractive women essentially don’t exist. He asked me, “Which one’s better, being hounded by horny creeps or being invisible?” I responded, “Isn’t it sad that these are the options women have?” He mused, “I think you may have taught me a philosophical lesson on feminism.”
Violence begins when one becomes “other”. Rip off the labels of pretty, sexy, ugly, slut, Madonna, whore, daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife, one-night-stand, friend with benefits, mother, grandmother and see that we’re people. We’re people made from the same material as you. We’re still people, apart from what we offer the world or who we associate with or what we look like or what we wear.
I remember an ex once told me how strange it felt being eyed by another guy (who was not gay, he just happened to be a predatory sociopath) at the gym. This is how women live everyday. How would men show up differently if they knew their dicks were being stared at the minute they left their homes, all day during work, as they use public transit, as they walk home on the street?
Similarly, I was at an art museum and the person I went with was indignant about explicit images of men. I wish I could’ve helped him see that I live in a world that felt like his experience of the museum. Naked women are the wallpaper of society. That he spent his childhood objectifying women. All men do, and it’s not even fully their fault. They were plonked on the conveyer belt of life and the walls were decorated with framed disrespect for women. Their mothers were raised to be either posters or maids or human-factories. These women and their partners passed that narrative onto their children, both sons and daughters. They were force-fed blindness towards humanity and systems of oppression.
Women are taught to perpetuate our lack of voice, autonomy, and individual desire too. It took until my mid 20’s for me to stop simply following scripts I knew. For example, if a date touched me, I reciprocated without asking myself “Do I WANT this? Does this actually feel good? Am I attracted to this person at all?” My priority was proving my worth to the other person, because that was the narrative I saw in media. I needed them to know I was a good kisser, that I wasn’t a prude, and I needed them to like me even if I felt indifferent about them.
It’s also common to rewrite our narratives in order to cope. I tried to take back my power by saying, “This is what I wanted–to be used sexually.” When I look back, both strangers and exes left me bruised, bleeding, and scared. I WASN’T having fun, I just believed I would no longer be lovable if I admitted this. During these moments, I romanticized pain, glamorized my helplessness, and became more sexually deviant as a response to nonconsensual interaction.
It takes a lifetime to unlearn the notion that you exist to make men happy.
Those who think they have already learned how to be better are those with the most to unlearn. You’ve spent your entire life groomed to be an abuser, to control, to make others feel small, and to take up space that isn’t yours. Misogynistic propaganda began as soon as you were born and you observed your parent’s interactions, turned on a TV, had access to the internet, or went to school. Think about how difficult it is to consistently practice one good habit, such as exercising regularly or making your bed everyday or how impossible it can feel to break a bad habit, such as sleeping too late or procrastinating. It will take a lifetime of effort to truly break down the strongholds of everything you were taught if you were socialized to be male. To truly see all women as human, regardless of any traits they may have. To truly understand that your respect towards others and emotional availability and undivided attention is not a gift to the world, it’s the bare minimum. To truly hold space for your power and hers to be equal and feel unafraid of that.
Unless you ride that conveyer belt life with your eyes closed, you will begin perceiving women unfairly until you hurt a few women you actually love. You’ll treat the first few like toys until you break them. Upon hearing the snap of bodies you thought were plastic, realizing your hands are covered with flesh and blood, you might wake up. And even then, you have to want to change and dedicate everyday of your life to breaking habits. There is no single point where you have "overcome" this, rather a series of choices to make with the power you have throughout your entire life.
Choose To See Them As People,
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