It’s gone. It’s gone forever. A person, possession, or place that you once loved is no longer part of your life. That can be an incredibly difficult truth to come to terms with. Below I’ve outlined my stages of grief and steps to healing and finding yourself again after loss.
1. Nourish Yourself
Often we create unnecessary suffering by neglecting our physical needs during difficult times. When we feel devastated, it’s easy to stay up late, sleep in, skip meals, or refuse to leave our homes. However, everything will always feel worse when we’re tired, hungry, dehydrated, or sedentary. We end up in abusive relationships with ourselves where we wish to treat our bodies the way they deserve, yet drain ourselves of the resources to do so. You know you need nutrients, but because you didn’t eat last night, you don’t have the energy to cook a nourishing meal today.
Break this cycle. Listen to what your body needs and then respond with kindness. Get out of bed. Have a glass of water. Take baby steps until you regain your strength. Being sad and being sick are very similar. Just as you would nurture someone with the flu back to health, be gentle with yourself and give yourself what you need to recover.
2. Allow Yourself to Feel
If you’re someone who is used to bottling up their emotions, this step is especially crucial if you want to heal. Practice radical acceptance for any feelings that arise. Remember that although there are negative actions, there are no bad emotions. Repeat that over and over until you internalize it and develop compassion for your unique range of feelings.
Emotions are like scared children that want to be heard. If you push them away, they’ll just grow louder. Call them by name and make time to tend to their needs. Acknowledge the pain, anger, sadness, and nostalgia that emerge. Cry for as long as you need to. Go to a secluded place and scream as loud as you can. Run until you can’t breathe. Leave the room to take a few deep breaths when you encounter an excruciating trigger. Smile when a beautiful flashback visits you.
Be courageous enough to step into the depths of your despair and the heights of your passion. Feel the emotions that you fear and they will step back.
3. Process the Past
I’m someone who must allow my brain to chew on a situation until the reality is something I can swallow. To an extent, I think this can be healthy. It’s important to acknowledge what we’ve experienced and allow ourselves to create a cohesive narrative of what happened. Processing this loss can involve writing, talking with people we trust, finding catharsis through music, reading about others we relate to, going to therapy, and so many other forms of healing.
Don’t rush this process. You may need to write or talk about what happened for weeks, months, years. However, as you reflect, ask yourself these questions:
Am I speaking about this with people who are trustworthy, emotionally available, and respectful of what I’ve experienced? Please ensure that your sounding boards are capable of responding fairly and maturely. Anyone who is dismissive, controlling, demeaning, or likely to stir up drama is not a safe person to talk to. Additionally, be considerate of the time and emotional bandwidth of those you confide in. Set aside time where those who care about you have the capacity to listen without distraction or judgement.
Am I processing or am I ruminating? There will come a time when you’ve figured out all that you can and said everything you need to. You begin to simply circle in the same place. Maybe you’re speculating about something you’ll never reach a conclusion regarding. Perhaps you’re no longer processing emotions so that you can let go, but instead you’re reigniting feelings because you don’t want to move on. When you see your friends, ask yourself if you NEED to bring up this loss in your conversations this time. Ask yourself if that melancholy song you’ve had on repeat could be replaced with something new today. Could you shift your focus to the present instead of engaging in another daydream about the past? Ponder these questions without criticizing yourself. If you’re not ready to do this yet, that’s okay too. When you’re ready, slowly begin to make room for change and forward momentum.
If I have not already sought professional help, could it be worth a try? No matter where you are in your journey, seeing a therapist can be incredibly resourceful. Additionally, do not confuse ruminating with PTSD. If you’re experiencing involuntary flashbacks, nightmares, painful triggers, anxiety, or an inability to separate the past from the present, please find someone who is trained in trauma-informed practices to support you as you mend.
4. Heal Previous Trauma
Often traumatic events such as loss prompt us to remember previous traumas as well. Bereavement or breakups may stir up memories of abandonment or neglect as a child. As we grieve our most recent losses, we may be grieving old ones as well. As you feel an overwhelming sense of heartache, ask yourself if you’ve felt this before. What does this deep sorrow or rage remind you of? If you feel anguish that seems disproportionate to your current loss, perhaps you’re mourning multiple losses at once. Any emotion that we attempt to bypass will simply surface at a later point. Be curious about yourself, explore your childhood, learn about trauma, and take this time to honor your pain, whether past or present.
5. Let Go of the Future and Embrace Uncertainty
After a loss, it’s normal and natural to fantasize about a reunion. Can I see my homeland one last time? Could I reconvene with my ex later in life? What if that person reincarnates? Will I see them in an afterlife? In numerous ways, we ask the question over and over: is it possible for me to reconnect with the person or thing I lost? Some people turn to tarot cards or palm readings for an answer. Others may pray profusely until they believe God has spoken to them. Maybe you’ve exhausted your friends, therapist, and the internet searching for a crystal ball.
The brutal truth is that in most cases we can’t know if we will reconnect, but we should probably live as if we won’t. A person or situation may never change or grow in the ways we desire. The universe may not allow for us to ever interact with that person, possession, or place ever again. We cannot allow our lives to be a monument to that loss. Holding onto that fantasy is a bandaid. It's a way for us to cope by avoiding reality, not acknowledging our loss, and bypassing the painful process of grieving. Part of healing will be letting go of the future we hope for, de-centering our lives from that loss, embracing that we don’t know what’s next, and letting the present unfold however it will. Only then will we have the capacity to be present again and absorb happiness.
6. Allow for Nuance
Loss is often multifaceted. We may bitterly brood over unfair circumstances, while also daydreaming about the blissful memories we had. It may also be difficult to hold space for the seeming contradictions of others as well. Perhaps you feel betrayed by someone you loved. Maybe you feel disgust and admiration for the same person. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel conflicting emotions simultaneously. Acknowledge that people and situations are complex. A person or event might be good, bad, and changing all at once. Parts of you may always harbor affection and tenderness while other parts of you may always house hatred. If you’re wondering whether something or someone was positive or negative, the answer is probably both. Allowing for nuance can help us feel less stuck and confused when categorizing our experiences or searching for clarity.
7. Find Closure on Your Own
It can often feel like we don’t have control over our own closure. We believe we need to mail one last letter, send one last text or email, or summon a spirit from the grave in order to finally feel heard. A part of us has something left to prove, lingering questions, or final thoughts we want to release into the world. However, despite how we feel, each of us has the power to find closure within ourselves. This remains true irrespective of anything or anyone else.
Finding closure will involve many of these steps. Heal from past trauma. Cut off toxic or unsupportive people. Remove painful reminders. Release your grip on what you can’t control or change. The words you wish to say may never be said or heard or understood accurately. What happened to you may never fully make sense. That past conflict may never be resolved in a way that feels fair to you. You may never see them again. Realize when you’ve hit a wall and can’t analyze the situation any future. Things didn't go the way you planned, expected, or hoped. Truly internalize that as far as you can see, what you lost is lost forever. And that SUCKS. There’s no way around it, there may be no better way to frame it, and perhaps you can only slog through the agony of it. Allow the weight of that to sink in while also having faith that the heaviness of your grief won't crush you. Instead, that burden will yield to the gravity of your resilience over time. As weighty as it all seems, you are stronger than any emotion or circumstance you're up against.
8. Accept the Present and Spark Joy
Finally, after all of that arduous inner-work, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. What used to feel like impalement will feel more like a tinge of uneasiness. Racing thoughts that kept you up at night quiet to a low hum. What used to be unbearable becomes an acceptable reality.
You turn around to see your previous turmoil. That period of your life is still there, but hazy in the distance. Yet from where you stand now, you also see a more complete picture. You’re no longer in it.
The scars may never fade completely, but the searing pain from that wound stopped. You may never move past the trauma, but instead learn to gracefully move with it. Someday, the tempo of your trauma may match the rhythm of another’s. Certain people can harmonize with the person you’ve become after all that you’ve lived through. They offer solace from the pain instead of provoking past hurt.
Gravitate towards things that spark joy and treasure those who enrich your life. After a season of loss, laughter and smiles can feel jarring. Remember that you deserve this. When you’re ready, give yourself permission to be happy again.
With Empathy For Your Loss,
BrainwaveBlog ❤️