I’ve always loved powerful men. What a cliche, right? That’s like saying I’m a man who loves beautiful women. It’s obvious that the world feels this way. It’s why suits that cost hundreds to produce can be sold for thousands. It’s why the CEO with a narcissistic personality disorder is glamorized on Netflix. It’s why certain 19-year-olds drool over men in their 50’s. It’s why almost all of my sexual fantasies don’t involve bodies so much as power dynamics (and certain porn stats would show that I’m not alone in this).
I noticed this tendency when I was a child. Villains in Disney movies and evil world leaders I learned about in school appealed to me when I knew they shouldn’t have. In college, I met someone who clearly exhibited the traits of antisocial personality disorder. He displayed everything from a god-complex to blatantly exploitative behavior. I found him endlessly fascinating, even if I never believed a word he said.
I wanted to be with someone who felt formidable. Someone I could believe in endlessly. In a lot of ways this is almost infantile. As babies, we begin believing our parents are godlike figures who can do no wrong, always know what’s best, and act as our source of strength.
Further, I began to realize that my attraction to others was contingent on power. I either needed to believe I was better than my partner (and thus became infatuated with the power I thought I held over them) OR I idealized the power my partner had over me. Feeling small was confused with attraction. If the other person didn't make me suddenly shy and take presence of the whole room, I couldn't possible like them. Could I?
I started to wonder what a relationship founded on mutual power AND attraction would look like. Could someone's personality be large enough to hold space for me to be empowered while also allowing me to be drawn to their power? What would that look and feel like?
Then I also began to wonder what would happen if this preoccupation with power were turned inwards. Instead of looking to the world for a prestigious label or Wall Street investment banker to attach to, what would happen if I sourced my own power? Maybe even more curiously, what would happen if I noticed when I felt unstoppable and when I felt my competence diminishing? Who or what could make me feel less than and why? When did I allow others to determine my worth?
Recently, I acquired THE MOST head-turning shoes. Hot pink. Designer. The most artful heel created to give the illusion that you’re walking on thin air. You would not believe the number of compliments I received when I wore them. And I couldn’t believe how on-top-of-the-world I felt in them. Strangers approached me saying "HOLY SHIT I love your shoes!" and “You have a very strong aura and energy around you”. And I DID when I wore those shoes. This made me wonder: why can’t I feel that way all the time?
I’ve discovered an experiment. At the end of a long day, when I find myself in my fuzzy robe, bunny slippers, and wet-from-showering hair, I often realize begrudgingly that I need to take out the trash. Doing so involves trekking down a long hallway, often filled with people. The alternative would be to redo my makeup, blow out my hair, and get dressed all over again for my two seconds of fame disposing of my smelly garbage. I used to slink to the trash room, praying no one would see me, ready to throw my trash on the floor and run (like any good tenant would) if I saw the shadow of a footstep.
Did I want to be someone who made innocent people deal with their litter because their self-esteem relied on constant affirmation that I wasn’t trash myself based on how I dressed? No.
Did I feel like I had a choice in these circumstances? Also no.
Why?
Just as you can give someone power, you can also take it back.
After thinking about this, I vowed to make this long hallway my personal runway, whether I was wearing haute couture or shower-chic. Why couldn’t I feel the way I felt in my $1000 shoes wearing my priceless self? Channeling the mood of my favorite over-the-top outfits while being underdressed challenged the idea that I needed to look put-together to FEEL put-together.
I also recently learned to say no.
On a Wednesday afternoon I received an email asking if I could help with a project due Friday.
First reaction: Fuck me.
Second reaction: Could it possibly be, that I’m allowed to say no?
I inquired about the timeline of this project, explaining that I had prior commitments and deadlines. When I was told that this needed to be completed ASAP, I said that I appreciated them thinking of me, but that I had a tight schedule and didn’t want to overcommit only to not follow through. To my surprise, they reacted positively to my clear communication, respected my time, and accepted my boundaries.
Who knew I had such power?
Had I known about this power all along, would I have surrendered so much of it to others? Would the same traits in others still appear powerful to me or would some of them become pathetic? Would I have worn the same outfits as shields and makeup as warpaint? Maybe the battle to prove myself wouldn't be there to begin with. Maybe I would've worn the outfits instead of letting them wear me.
Maybe moving forward I’ll be most attracted to my own power from within, as opposed to the power of the person offering me validation, a work project, or a ring.
Take Back Your Power,
BrainwaveBlog ❤️