Our culture is obsessed with love and sex. Society keeps churning out shows like Love Island, Love is Blind, Sex/Life, or How to Build a Sex Room because there’s a demand for this content. There’s a reason Sex and the City is such a classic decades later.
However, we’re hooked on superficial romance because we crave intimacy. We’re snoopy about other people’s love lives because we want to live vicariously through them. The false sense of closeness that drama feeds us is addicting. Modern life has expedited and streamlined nearly everything, yet genuine connection has fallen through the cracks.
Plus we secretly measure ourselves against these caricatures. She’s 35 and still single? Phew, I’m glad I’m still on track. He’s obnoxious and average-looking and is somehow married? Good thing I’m more likable and attractive. If he found someone, I know I will too.
We compare and calculate because we’re afraid of being unworthy of love. Relationships or lack-thereof have become a metric for who we are as people. Those having sex are attractive. Those with partners are lovable. And those who are alone are…neither.
I believe young adulthood in the Western world has evolved to be something unprecedented and we are struggling to adapt. Marriages and families are stalled in favor of pursuing further education. Dating is put on hold to allow room for personal growth and emotional availability. Meeting someone can happen “later”. Right now it’s time to focus on me. Traditional timelines are being challenged and the potential for self-actualization is being acknowledged.
This is exciting. This is necessary. This is lonely. This is hard.
Instead of catering to the needs of spouses and children, our 20’s and 30’s have become a time to truly step into ourselves and claim our lives. Don’t get me wrong. I believe this is WONDERFUL. Not only will this self-work increase our happiness, but it will also allow us to act more lovingly towards those we care about. However, in our solo endeavors, we still desire intimacy. Many of us squash this need and pretend it doesn't exist. However, ignoring your desire for connection will not make the longing go away. It’s a basic need just like food and water.
Many of us also try to find closeness in ways that will only leave us feeling more isolated. Swiping on dating apps and spending time with people who don’t truly know or value you won’t be satisfying either. You’ll simply feel lonely surrounded by people, as opposed to feeling lonely by yourself. When it comes to the company of others, we will tolerate mistreatment equivalent to the extent we abuse ourselves. If you don't know yourself, you'll put up with shallow friendships with people who don't know you either. If you believe you're not likable, you'll settle for being around individuals who criticize you or only like you on certain conditions because that's what you believe you deserve. Same goes for considering your time, respecting your boundaries, prioritizing your mental and physical health, supporting your goals, and so on.
"If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly."
(Miguel Ruiz from The Four Agreements)
We also believe we can only experience this intimacy in the context of a romantic relationship, which isn't true. If you find yourself in a particularly independent stretch of your life, this is a precious time to learn that you can meet your own needs. This is when you can treat yourself well so that others can too. Get to know yourself, pursue yourself, date yourself. Learn what your love language is. Spoil your inner child. What does being generous look like to you? What gestures of love would you want from a partner and how can you offer these things to yourself? Below I’ve described a few ideas, based on your love language or how you prefer to receive love.
Words of Affirmation
Language is one of the most powerful tools we have at our disposal. Yet we often use speech as a form of self-harm. Many of the words we direct towards ourselves are harsh. Offering ourselves words of affirmation may begin as simply rescinding words of self-rejection. Bring your awareness to the thoughts you have playing in the background throughout your day and notice when these are kind or cruel. Slowly start to replace negative self-talk with phrases that allow for more empathy. Ask yourself if you would say those phrases to a good friend, and offer yourself the same courtesy.
Leave affirming notes around your space. Think about the reminders you need or the messages that make you feel special, write them down, and tape them to your mirror. Leave cards on your desk. Set alarms on your phone with positive words. Make a playlist of songs with affirming lyrics. Write yourself a heartfelt love letter apologizing for times you've been self-critical, describing the traits you genuinely appreciate about yourself with reminders that your self-worth is unconditional.
Create a journal of uplifting words from loved ones. Screenshot these texts or images to save. However, if you choose to collect words from others, remember to take what people say with a grain of salt, knowing that you can offer yourself the same affirmation.
Physical Touch
While the concept of physical touch has romantic and sexual connotations, there are many ways to express this kind of love while single. Hugs from family members and friends or cuddles with pets are great ways of receiving caring touch. Going to a spa for a massage or body wrap can be comforting as well.
Yet, it’s still possible to feel this type of affection on your own. What kind of touch would feel most gentle to you? What fabric would feel best against your skin? Does wrapping yourself in a soft, fuzzy blanket warm from the dryer make you feel loved? Whether it’s fuzzy socks, comfy PJs, or blankets, think about what texture would bring you tactile affection.
Brush your hair. Massage a soothing lotion onto your skin. Clean and groom your body, not to be “presentable” to the world, but because you want to pamper yourself. If a form of “self-care” hurts (ex: having cuticles cut during a manicure or painful extractions during a facial) or feels uncomfortable but necessary to be accepted (ex: waxing your skin), don’t engage in it. Let each touch hold love, not criticism. Do what truly feels good in your body, not what you’ve been told should feel right.
Quality Time
Ask yourself where you would like to go. What activity or space would feel nourishing? Take yourself out on a date. Is there a restaurant you’ve always wanted to go to? Or a new museum or art gallery you want to see? A class you’re curious about taking? Just as you would put your phone away when catching up with a friend, take time to truly check in with yourself and engage in something that sparks joy. Make yourself feel heard, seen, known, and loved. Give yourself your undivided attention.
Schedule this time on your calendar. Block off appointments with yourself. Treat these commitments with the same respect as you would any other meeting. Prioritize this quality time with yourself and don’t cancel or postpone unless you absolutely have to. Show up for yourself and be there when you need it.
Every weekend I take myself to a new cafe and write for however long I need to. Visiting a new coffee shop is a little adventure for me. Ordering whatever food or beverage I would like is a mini luxury. I check in with myself. What I write during this distraction-free time is a litmus test for how I’m doing emotionally. During this session, anxieties from the week bubble to the surface and I’m able to process them. I’m also able to reflect on successes and moments of gratitude. This is a time I truly look forward to and treasure.
Acts of Service
Ask yourself what you truly want and need, and then do something kind for yourself. If you would love someone to assist with housework, what are your options for hiring help? Would getting a manicure, having someone wash your car, or having your clothes dry-cleaned make you feel cared for? Consider your choices, even as a one-time occasion to treat yourself.
Alternatively, think about how you can carry out an act of service for yourself. Can you prepare your favorite drink or meal? Is there something you’ve been meaning to do, such as redecorate your home, that you could set aside time to work on?
When I was a kid, I was assigned the chore of cleaning the bathroom sinks in our house. I remember rushing through this mundane task, leaving streaks of soap on the chrome finishes, daydreaming about how I would rather spend my time.
Then I would ask my dad, “Am I done yet?” He evaluated the job I’d done and then asked, “Is this good enough for you? Because you’re the one who uses this bathroom. This is your space. You’re cleaning this for yourself.”
That stuck with me. I wasn’t simply speeding through a random exercise. There was a purpose to cleaning and my lack of thoroughness only punished me. Let this apply to your own actions as well. Whatever act of service you choose, offer yourself the same compassion, hospitality, and generosity you would offer a loved one. Remember that everything you do, even folding laundry, is for yourself.
Gifts
What thoughtful items would you like to receive? Would sending yourself flowers make you feel happy? Or buying your favorite snack or dessert from the store? If you travel often, can you collect a souvenir for yourself each trip? Maybe there’s a luxury item you’ve been eyeing for a while and now’s the time to splurge. You don’t have to spend money to treat yourself either. Perhaps even just making a wishlist of gifts you’d appreciate is enough for you to feel known and valued.
I once knew of someone who was touched when their partner would bring back pretty rocks, feathers, or leaves from their morning walk. What would the equivalent look like for you? What tangible, symbolic possessions make you feel appreciated? Go to the beach and bring home shells you find beautiful. Print out photos of people, places, or things that you cherish. Allow yourself to collect tangible mementos of times you felt happy. Maybe even preserve or repurpose a previous gift that was significant. Dry a bouquet of flowers and use those pressed petals to create something artful. Cut and frame an old shirt that is no longer wearable, but still holds sentimental value. Get creative and make yourself something that you’d love to receive.
All of this is just a starting point. Let your self-love evolve into whatever form it may. Just remember to be tender and gracious with yourself.
With Love In All Languages,
BrainwaveBlog ❤️
REFERENCES
Chapman, Gary D. The Five Love Languages. Walker Large Print, 2010.
Ruiz, Don Miguel. The Four Agreements. Amber-Allen Publishing, 2001.