If you're afraid to say "no" to someone in your life, the other person desperately wants you to tell them "no" (even if subconsciously).
Children will throw tantrums when they don’t get their way, and yet if there are no boundaries, they’ll feel even more upset. They may continue to make their demands, but they’re also wondering “if I continually test limits and find that there are none, how will I know I’m safe in this world?”
Imagine a person searching a dim room, reaching out to determine where the walls, doors, and windows are. They want to understand the parameters of their space. A wall-less void is terrifying. How do you orient yourself? Are you even inside a room at all or is the darkness endless? Is the floor continuous or will you fall off a ledge somewhere?
What is the meaning of my place in this world and what are the confines?
As children, your parents are supposed to be those initial walls. Like the bounds of a home, they shield you from the world and indicate safety from danger while also giving you healthy doors and windows to explore beyond. Effective parents are both a nest to rest within and a place to spread your wings and fly from.
Those without healthy boundaries often don’t recognize the violence of their actions. To these people, those who do hold strong boundaries will feel very rejecting. It’s very difficult to understand boundaries if you haven’t had this modeled for you. We all start off as newborns, believing we are an extension of our parents. Some parents continue this narrative into adulthood, treating their kids as extensions of themselves also. However, healthy development involves setting boundaries, separating from our parents, and creating individual identities that both connect with others and operate with autonomy.
I remember a friend of mine was telling me about her latest date, “But he doesn’t stay up all night talking to me the way my ex did. He’ll eventually say he needs to sleep. I miss the way [ex] would stay on the phone with me to make sure I was okay, even if he had an early shift in the morning.” At the time, I empathized. Being left to your own devices in a time of emotional turmoil is terrifying. Looking back now, I don’t take sleep for granted anymore. I recognize that sacrificing your own health for someone else’s is codependence.
There was a time in my life where I pushed and was pushed past limits set in place. This was the cause of many arguments between me and my mother. This was the bread and butter of my romantic entanglements. The pattern went something like 1) I have a crisis 2) my partner of the time comes running 3) my needs in the relationship aren’t met, because what I need most is to trust the other person to have boundaries 4) the relationship follows the ups and downs of my emotional currents, so long as the other person is still clinging to my rafter as tidal waves pummel our tired bodies.
In retrospect, I wish people had said “no” to me more often. Sure, I would whine and stomp about it. At the same time, a subconscious part of me was keeping mental sticky notes each instance a boundary was crossed. Each sticky note made me feel less and less safe. I now knew that that person’s “yes” or “no” didn’t always mean “yes” or “no”, it actually meant “I could go either way, depending on how manipulative or forceful the other person is.” A part of me knew the other person was giving away power that they shouldn’t, and I was now holding more control than I deserved. It took me many failed relationships to become aware of this.
This went in the opposite direction as well. There were many moments I felt anxious, wondering if loved ones would honor the commitments and boundaries they promised me, even if the promise was to leave me alone. I continually dated men who didn’t respect my need for space. Because I couldn’t reinforce my own boundaries when I was younger, I felt especially uncomfortable if someone trampled all over my wishes. There was no one to protect me if they didn’t, because I didn’t know how to protect myself. It was up to the other person to keep me safe and healthy. Unfortunately, very few humans will uphold your limits if you won’t. Just like the kid that wants it’s way, people around you will continually take from you if you let them, even if it doesn’t make anyone happy.
Setting a limit can be a very good test of whether or not a person is able to meet your needs. Reactions to saying "no" can be extremely telling, for both the individuals stating "no" and receiving a "no". People who disregard boundaries (others or their own) can inflict quite a bit of harm, but only if you let them. Remember that people who are angered by your boundaries are people who haven't learned they're allowed to have boundaries of their own yet. The next time you’re hesitant to say no, here’s a reminder that the other person is just a curious, anxious child that needs help finding the walls.
Say No Unapologetically,
BrainwaveBlog ❤️