“You’re not my friend, because there is always attraction involved in male and female friendships. You can be my friend-quaintance,” said a former classmate of mine.
Was he right?
A former coworker of mine touted the same belief, “Men can only be friends with women they’re attracted to.”
I recently had a phone call with an old “friend-quaintance” who had a completely different view.
“Of course, I can have platonic female friendships and hang-out one-on-one. If we’re both in secure relationships, even better."
This was mind-blowing. Having preferred-gender friends, while being in a monogamous relationship with someone else, was BETTER? To me, this was extremely high stakes. If one person caught feelings, it could be devastating for everyone involved. However, if both parties are single, finding a sudden spark could be wonderful news.
He explained that being in love meant he couldn’t develop feelings for another person and that being in relationships meant both parties were already committed. To him, this eased any awkwardness or expectation of taking things further.
I was fascinated. Clearly there were perspectives beyond what I could see and I wanted to know more. I turned to additional sources.
I read about individuals who believed they were attracted to everyone on some level. Then there were people who went on one-tent camping trips with preferred-gender friends, while married. No one involved saw any issue. A few platonic friendships suddenly blossomed into marriages over time. Some were waiting for their friends to leave their partners so they could fuck. Horrifically, some people strategically positioned themselves to be simply “different” (not more attractive, not smarter, not better) from their friend’s spouses so that they could slowly but surely pull them into an affair. Finally, there were couples who vowed against making preferred-gender friends, because they saw no point in bringing that into their marriage.
What was the answer?
“I’m not some sex-starved dude who’s just like OH MY GOD A GIRL,” phone-call-guy continued, “I think having a sister gave me a more balanced perspective.”
This struck a chord with me. Suddenly, I began to see patterns. I noticed those who grew up with preferred-gender siblings seemed uniquely immune to falling in love with all of their preferred-gender friends. It made sense. You can think your sibling is pretty and nice and not want to fuck them. So I guess that means you can find a friend pretty and nice and not want to fuck them too. Could I relate to that in my hypothetical friendships? Probably not, which is why I don’t have friends that fit those qualities. Does that instill paranoia if I’m dating someone who thinks differently? Probably. Am I wrong for being this way? Again, not necessarily. It’s just different. I would probably feel happiest with someone who thinks like me.
I thought about myself: Biologically female, heterosexual, no brothers.
I thought about my parents. They hardly had any preferred-gender friends, and when they did, it was often other married couples. It seemed this was the norm for them growing up during their generation as well. My mom often gave me the antiquated “boys only want one thing” or “you’re so pretty they won’t be able to stay just friends with you” or "he's a man, he can't understand a woman's heart". Did this upbringing prime me to act differently around certain people? Did this (along with many other societal factors) contribute to my falsely equating beauty with love? Does this way of thinking perpetuate sexism or divisiveness?
Can people of the preferred gender be friends? I believe the general answer is: there is no one universal answer. It’s very case-by-case. It appears that the world is a mosaic of upbringings, experiences, and perceptions. If you find someone who aligns with how you see other humans and your unique physiologies choose not to feel attracted to each other, then yes, it does seem plausible. However, there are situations where it may be impossible, again based on the individuals’ feelings and beliefs about friendship, gender, love, and lust. These thoughts and emotions may shift depending on the specific individual in question and the one-of-a-kind qualities that person brings to the table as well.
For those in committed, monogamous relationships, the answer will depend on the quality of the commitment, how much trust is involved, the worldviews of everyone included, and the elusive presence of chemistry or lack thereof. If you’re someone who has tons of preferred-gender friends, stays friends with exes, and/or consistently makes new preferred-gender friends, it’s probably best to be with someone who aligns with this. If this is you and your partner doesn’t believe in such friendships, there will be conflict. Is one person right and one person wrong? No. They’re just different. Unfortunately, that difference can create an uncomfortable imbalance where one person feels almost “cheated on” because of the expectations they have, whereas the other person may feel controlled. Add any whiff of distrust or lack of respect for boundaries to the situation and things will unravel.
Everyone has different boundaries. It’s a matter of finding someone who has the same limits as you. In some cases you come to a compromise, make sacrifices, or find yourself so in love that what used to be a sacrifice is no longer. In other cases, perhaps you feel so comfortable and trusting of your partner that what used to feel like a threat becomes safe. In all cases, healthy communication and honesty are absolutely paramount.
Additionally, self-awareness, maturity, and high self-esteem are important. Your partner can't be honest with you if they aren't honest with themselves first. Someone who is happy with who they are and can reinforce boundaries is less likely to seek inappropriate attention from a "friend" or cross lines. It can take failed relationships and years of self-work to get to a point where external validation isn't worth it anymore and you're able to have a voice that says "no".
In many circumstances, one partner will ask "what should I do if someone is encouraging my partner to cheat?" The real question is, "what is your partner doing about the situation? Are they respecting your boundaries?" Many individuals take it upon themselves to ensure their partner doesn't cheat, or blame themselves for infidelity, when it's really the partner's job to stay loyal. Even if certain factors made it easy to betray your partner, the behavior is still not excusable.
If you previously had a romantic or sexual history with someone, I believe a healthy friendship can only form once both individuals are completely over any hope of being romantic or sexual with each other again. If one person still has lingering feelings, the imbalance of expectation is unfair. You may unintentionally lead them on or fall into old habits out of familiarity or convenience.
You are not responsible for the actions and emotions of others, but you and your partner do have responsibility for how you respond based on your prior commitments to each other. If you trust your partner, you don't need to be able to trust the rest of the world.
Can I be friends with my preferred gender? My answer is: generally no with a few exceptions. There are a couple of male friends I either grew up knowing for a very long time, met in platonic group settings, never meet with in person, and/or don’t feel enough chemistry with to ever want more. I believe you can occasionally mesh with someone intellectually or in the context of a shared hobby, without ever connecting romantically. I probably feel micro-attracted to everyone on some level or wonder at least once if we could like each other, but a person can still not meet the threshold for me to actually “like” them. However, for me, this is rare. If I find someone intelligent, physically attractive, AND we get along well enough to be friends, how can I NOT wonder where things could go? The thought would probably cross my mind at least once even if it is promptly discarded after. I personally wouldn’t want this in a relationship.
Maybe I’m idealistic and I romanticize things too much. Maybe I only had a sister and no brothers. Maybe my parent’s beliefs about friendships colored my own. Maybe I feel attraction easily and fleetingly. Maybe I’ve never been with someone who sees the world the way I do. Maybe in a secure relationship, I would only need to trust that one person because they'll have boundaries with the rest of the world. Maybe there are others who think similarly to me, and those who will think differently, and that’s okay.
Be Friends, Be Lovers,
BrainwaveBlog ❤️